Humble Pie.

Public, it's a somber day. A recent poll showed that near on forty percent of America's youth support socialism over capitalism. I had intended upon being sickened in my post today, but an overwhelming sorrow o'ertakes my oration, obviously brought on by our less than omnipotent offsprings' impotent, incredulous intake of external propaganda.

Moreover, more malicious than making maddening polls mortifying the morals meticulously marvelously carved out by capricious capitalists, of which we should capitulate to: Audacious activities arranged by arrogant, angry activists who are aspiring to adopt an autocratic AND ostensibly bureaucratic anomalous artificial government.

But people, the fact of the matter is that there is no one that we can blame other than ourselves. The biggest influence on children is, of course, their parents. And when they hear us complain about this and that in the "market" or how we've been lied to and led astray by our government, they naturally assume that our complaints mean that we do not support the aforementioned establishments. This of course is a falsehood. We adore our country and everything about it.

We cannot, parents of America, assume that our children know to what extent we are dissatisfied with our way of life. We must express our distaste for governmental action and the hills and valleys in the stock market in such a way as to convey our interminable respect for said subjects. So let this, please, be a warning to us all. 

If we allow our children to continue to extrapolate from our comments that we dislike the structure of our country, they will develop a genuine dislike for it. So talk to your children about the dangers of a socialist or any other foreign economic system and those of a totalitarian or a utilitarian government. Education is the road toward conservatives, and we need not have that road diverted. Change, people, is not only not good, it is NOT necessary.

A Capitalist In Fact.

While trading stocks on a bustling Wall Street this morning, public, I had an epiphany that had little to nothing to do with my occupation. Though admittedly, if one were to try not unreasonably hard they would find that they could make innumerable connections between my epiphany and my occupation. If I could offer a bit of advice at this point, allow me to point out the prolific increase in the stock price of Curtains, Curtains, and More Curtains® this morning and suggest pouring all of your savings into said stock. But it seems that I've divulged a bit from my story. Getting back into it, between staring at computer screens of scrolling numbers incomprehensible to me and yelling incoherently into a crowd to seem as though the numbers were not incomprehensible, I realized that I am a capitalist.

I imagine that right about now you must be thinking, "C'mon T! As if this realization was not evident from the description of your fine philosophical periodical! Was it REALLY necessary for me to point out that you MUST obviously know that you are an America-loving capitalist? Please stop wasting my time and drop the trivialities T, there must be some more enlightening information that you wish to impart to me in this narrative." And in fact reader, you would be right. There is a more meaningful message to my effluence of words. However, you jumped down my throat so quickly that I was not able to express this meaning adequately enough to sate your desire for the lessons that I have to teach. Patience, please.

First, allow me to applaud your obvious thirst for knowledge: *Clap, clap, clap*. But I must ask that you contain yourself in the future. That done, let us begin where we left off.

I realized that I am a capitalist. As I continued to trade with monies given to me by prospective investors with no knowledge that I had no knowledge of that which I was investing their money in, I realized that I was in love with what I was doing. Not because I was not personally risking my money on investments that were no doubt flops, but because SOMEBODY was risking their money on investments that were no doubt flops. People let me tell you, this warmed my heart so "heart"ily that I very nearly put an ice pack to my chest.

Capitalism, ladies and gentlemen, is more than just an idea. To those of us who look closely at the machinations of the lives of both the incredibly successful and the incredibly unsuccessful, we see that there is a common denominator, capitalism. It is a wonderful economic system to be sure, but also a wonderful way of life. For, without the inherent risks involved in free enterprise, how could any one of us claim to deserve the things that we have (or don't have)? In our beautifully crafted system of winners and losers, we've left room, thankfully, for a middle-ground as well. Those who are unpatriotic enough not to risk enormous amounts of time, money and energy in support of the economic welfare of our country occupy this economic level.

But readers, I must implore you, do not seek out these wrongdoers, for they know not what they do! They do not, as the very nature of their actions suggests, support the socialist and communist heathens of countries who value "true" equality. No, rather, they fear for their own livelihood instead of looking toward the greater good, the greatest good, America. Again though, they cannot be blamed for their selfishness. It is human nature to want to "play it safe" to preserve their own interests above the interests of all else and all others, regardless of how obviously they deserve be a priority of the aforementioned middle-grounders.

It has occurred to me, public, that many of you may have questioned my earlier statement about socialists and communists valuing "'true' equality". Allow me please to elaborate, for many of you may not have caught the satirical way in which I referred to these countries.

What could be truer than the equality exhibited in the United States of America? Everyone is, at birth, by virtue of the very method through which birth is given, at the exact same social and economic status. It is then very clear that, as they all are the same at the moment of the beginning of their existence, every person in this country has had the exact same advantages and opportunities as every other. Those proponents of socialism or some other equally erroneous form of economic system claim that there is not, in fact, equal opportunities for every American. They claim that the children of the rich have more opportunities than do those of the poor.

People, I say to you that allegations such as these are outright outrageous! Just thinking that such people can think such things makes my blood boil so much that I very nearly need to put an ice pack to my entire body. How dare someone suggest that, because a person has more or less money, they have correspondingly more or less opportunities in modern America!? Public, I like to think we've progressed beyond that type of ridiculous stereotyping, but I suppose that I will have to address such naive notions. And I WILL do so now!

Now, there is undoubtedly a trend with respect to the success of children of wealthy parentage and those of impoverished parentage, do not get me wrong. However, this trend is NOT due to inequalities of opportunity! It is simply due to the nature of the children and the degree to which they apply themselves. While the poor are out joining gangs, the rich are indoors studying! While the poor are snorting cocaine, the rich are sipping mint juleps! While the poor are counting smaller amounts of money, the rich are counting larger, and thus improving their arithmetic skills more rapidly! People, I could go on! However to do so would be the epitome of redundancy! So I leave you with this demand: DO NOT blame your hardships and/or shortcomings on American society. It is unbecoming.

Thank you.

Hold On To Your Hats Cause Mirages Aren't Just On The Ground Anymore.

People! Disturbing news from the front. You know that sensation that you experience when you're really thirsty? Or dehydrated? Or driving on asphalt? That moment of sheer terror before you realize that the street isn't melting in front of you? Well it would appear that that phenomena...it's not just in your head. It's leaped out and begun it's assault on a new territory that is rightfully the property of the U.S. Government. Space. That's right, mirages in space. Many speculate that it is the Russians that have in fact aided our sworn perceptual enemy into the great expanses of the new American Frontier. And I need not express, people, for the statement is redundant to the ideas that I'm sure have invaded your mind, that we WILL NOT let this go unanswered.

Fortunately, America's top astrophysicists have already unraveled some of the mysteries behind said transgression against our state. The name given to the Russian devices that produce these cosmic mirages are "quasars". A quasar, or a QSO is/are, respectively, a quasi stellar radio source, and a quasi stellar object, which are, in fact, one in the same. Luckily for us, the Russian engineers responsible for these objects apparently did not take into account the advantages of stealth, for one quasar emits more light than all of the stars in the universe. Folks, that's a lot of light.

Now, it may not immediately be apparent to the average American how our ability to blaze the proverbial trail of the interstellar frontier is hindered by the appearance of Russian quasars throughout the galaxy. Allow me, if you will, to provide the explanation.

Mapping the universe, as you may well imagine, is a rigorous task requiring the utmost precision of measurements and calculation. Our adversaries ingeniously place quasars behind large stellar bodies. As the light emitted from the quasars reaches the outer edges of these bodies, it is bent by the gravitational forces produced by the rotation of the aforementioned masses. This produces one, or two, or three, or four, or even more images of the SAME quasar in different locations throughout the galaxy. Obviously, mapping objects that are not actually occupying  the space that they appear to be occupying creates serious flaws in the navigation of the universe.

Again, luckily for NASA, the Russian government launched its malicious campaign to foil our exploration attempts before their quasar-production techniques had been refined enough to cause any serious damage. Many of the quasar mirages created are only a couple of arcseconds apart from one another, when viewed from Earth (for those of you who don't know, an arcsecond is one thirty-six hundredth of a degree in length). One example of this is the first quasar ever discovered, 3C 273, in the year 1962.

However, recent developments in the Russian Space Program (RSP) have allowed the quasars to be placed in strategic locations behind the largest masses in the universe, clusters of galaxies. To date, the largest separation between two gravitationally lensed (miraged) quasars is found in the group SDSSJ1029+2623, discovered in the year 2006 with a distance of 22.5 arcseconds. That's 22.5/3600 of a degree people. Potentially catastrophic space endeavors could have been undergone had our astrophysicists not discovered this. Thank God for American ingenuity.

But don't panic please. Our physicists are quickly working on ways to counteract these attempts to confound our space exploration. Currently, we are developing new ways of viewing the universe and are finding hundreds of potential quasar mirages. These hundreds of potentialities are then meticulously looked over by scientists and subsequently classified as either a mirage or just two interstellar objects closely fitting the description of a cosmic mirage. Out of these hundreds of potentials, only a handful are discovered to be Russian quasars, but thank the Lord that we are able to find at least those.

In conclusion, people, the world is once again saved by the common man and our dreams of inhabiting distant planets is not lost, for the time being.

Call To Action: Do your part and learn more about quasars and what you can do to help. The following is a list of a three of the discovered quasars in the universe, which I believe to pose the most potential threat.

***Q0957+561 "The Double Quasar"

***SDSSJ09464.90+183541.08 "The Russian Ravager"

***Q2237+070 "The Einstein Cross"