Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A Capitalist In Fact.
While trading stocks on a bustling Wall Street this morning, public, I had an epiphany that had little to nothing to do with my occupation. Though admittedly, if one were to try not unreasonably hard they would find that they could make innumerable connections between my epiphany and my occupation. If I could offer a bit of advice at this point, allow me to point out the prolific increase in the stock price of Curtains, Curtains, and More Curtains® this morning and suggest pouring all of your savings into said stock. But it seems that I've divulged a bit from my story. Getting back into it, between staring at computer screens of scrolling numbers incomprehensible to me and yelling incoherently into a crowd to seem as though the numbers were not incomprehensible, I realized that I am a capitalist.
I imagine that right about now you must be thinking, "C'mon T! As if this realization was not evident from the description of your fine philosophical periodical! Was it REALLY necessary for me to point out that you MUST obviously know that you are an America-loving capitalist? Please stop wasting my time and drop the trivialities T, there must be some more enlightening information that you wish to impart to me in this narrative." And in fact reader, you would be right. There is a more meaningful message to my effluence of words. However, you jumped down my throat so quickly that I was not able to express this meaning adequately enough to sate your desire for the lessons that I have to teach. Patience, please.
First, allow me to applaud your obvious thirst for knowledge: *Clap, clap, clap*. But I must ask that you contain yourself in the future. That done, let us begin where we left off.
I realized that I am a capitalist. As I continued to trade with monies given to me by prospective investors with no knowledge that I had no knowledge of that which I was investing their money in, I realized that I was in love with what I was doing. Not because I was not personally risking my money on investments that were no doubt flops, but because SOMEBODY was risking their money on investments that were no doubt flops. People let me tell you, this warmed my heart so "heart"ily that I very nearly put an ice pack to my chest.
Capitalism, ladies and gentlemen, is more than just an idea. To those of us who look closely at the machinations of the lives of both the incredibly successful and the incredibly unsuccessful, we see that there is a common denominator, capitalism. It is a wonderful economic system to be sure, but also a wonderful way of life. For, without the inherent risks involved in free enterprise, how could any one of us claim to deserve the things that we have (or don't have)? In our beautifully crafted system of winners and losers, we've left room, thankfully, for a middle-ground as well. Those who are unpatriotic enough not to risk enormous amounts of time, money and energy in support of the economic welfare of our country occupy this economic level.
But readers, I must implore you, do not seek out these wrongdoers, for they know not what they do! They do not, as the very nature of their actions suggests, support the socialist and communist heathens of countries who value "true" equality. No, rather, they fear for their own livelihood instead of looking toward the greater good, the greatest good, America. Again though, they cannot be blamed for their selfishness. It is human nature to want to "play it safe" to preserve their own interests above the interests of all else and all others, regardless of how obviously they deserve be a priority of the aforementioned middle-grounders.
It has occurred to me, public, that many of you may have questioned my earlier statement about socialists and communists valuing "'true' equality". Allow me please to elaborate, for many of you may not have caught the satirical way in which I referred to these countries.
What could be truer than the equality exhibited in the United States of America? Everyone is, at birth, by virtue of the very method through which birth is given, at the exact same social and economic status. It is then very clear that, as they all are the same at the moment of the beginning of their existence, every person in this country has had the exact same advantages and opportunities as every other. Those proponents of socialism or some other equally erroneous form of economic system claim that there is not, in fact, equal opportunities for every American. They claim that the children of the rich have more opportunities than do those of the poor.
People, I say to you that allegations such as these are outright outrageous! Just thinking that such people can think such things makes my blood boil so much that I very nearly need to put an ice pack to my entire body. How dare someone suggest that, because a person has more or less money, they have correspondingly more or less opportunities in modern America!? Public, I like to think we've progressed beyond that type of ridiculous stereotyping, but I suppose that I will have to address such naive notions. And I WILL do so now!
Now, there is undoubtedly a trend with respect to the success of children of wealthy parentage and those of impoverished parentage, do not get me wrong. However, this trend is NOT due to inequalities of opportunity! It is simply due to the nature of the children and the degree to which they apply themselves. While the poor are out joining gangs, the rich are indoors studying! While the poor are snorting cocaine, the rich are sipping mint juleps! While the poor are counting smaller amounts of money, the rich are counting larger, and thus improving their arithmetic skills more rapidly! People, I could go on! However to do so would be the epitome of redundancy! So I leave you with this demand: DO NOT blame your hardships and/or shortcomings on American society. It is unbecoming.